Periodically, I go to museums and art galleries, but only periodically. You see, I always feel that I should be at home in my studio painting, rather than wasting time “goofing off.” A deep sadness goes through me when I see wonderful art created by another artist – one who was not out and about in museums and galleries, but in the studio where he should be. It hits me like a ton of bricks – this grey cloud that surrounds me. It is not jealousy. I am happy for those who produce more quality work than I do. I just want to do it, also.
I can never seem to explain it to my friends and family. I don’t try anymore. People are so thoughtful. They know of my passion for art and believe that I would love to go places that have art on display. It is easy to see why they would think that I would like to look at art – any art. Why wouldn’t I? It is my major interest. I know they wouldn’t understand these weird feelings I have. How can I expect them to, when I don’t quite understand them myself.
Other artists have told me that it is inspirational for them to see the work of other artists and learn what and how they painted. They get ideas and are then anxious to get back to work. They do not seem to feel the depression I do. I do think it is strange. Then again, there may probably be just as many artists who feel as I do.
I need to spend my time honing my own craft, rather than seeing what others have done with their artistic abilities. Actually, visiting places where artwork is shown reminds me of how much time I waste or is wasted for me. It all reminds me of the time flying by when I am not producing the quantity of quality work I feel I should be creating. Time can be an enemy or friend. I, too often, think of time as my enemy, I’m afraid. There are never enough hours in the day – not even close. I always seem to be fighting time.
I spend so much time thinking about what I need to do, planning my days and weeks, and worrying about whether I will find the time I need in the studio. It is a huge concern of mine and probably will always be. And, of course, there is the issue of the time I waste in the studio, once I am there, without being very productive. But, getting into the studio is half the battle. I think I will deal with one problem at a time.
